Tuesday, August 14, 2012

You're 21 and not married!? At least you have the afterlife.

Late night thoughts.
Haha, but really.

I don't write my thoughts on my blog very often, I usually write pretty dry, boring "this is my life" sort of stuff.  Buuuut I've been thinking a lot and for some reason I really want to write about this topic: Being a 21 year old LDS girl and being single.

Twenty-one. You're finally an actual adult (18 doesn't count. You can't even buy alcohol). Being LDS, 21 years old for a boy means that you're probably just coming home from your mission. Being 21 for someone that isn't LDS/Mormon, means you can now drink (legally), and you're probably looking to graduate soon, get an internship, do something completely random... and probably even start your career. Being a 21 year old LDS female means that you are probably married.... and should maybe even start thinking about having some kids.

Disclaimer: For all of you girls that are 21 (or younger) and are married... I'm not a hater. Most of my really good friends are now married, and in all honesty, I could not be happier for them. Getting sealed to your best friend for forever is an amazing gift/accomplishment. And I'm happy you've found that special someone.

Also, this post is me rambling,  so you can skip to the end where I have compiled a summary if you'd prefer.

Moving on.

This past year has been weird for me.
My family has started making jokes about signing me up for the Mormon Bachelorette....
So many people keep asking me, "so... you seem like a put together, normal girl, why don't you have a boyfriend."

Okay. I usually take that one of two ways.

1. You are asking me what is wrong with me... because if I was "normal," I'd be well on my way towards my goal of eternal progression
2. You are being just the sweetest, and think I should have been swept up by now.

Well. First, being single really isn't the worst thing in the world. Trust me. Second, I've never really felt weird about not having a boyfriend. I don't want to sound arrogant, or conceited, but I know I could have forced someone to love me if I really wanted to ;) But after having that question asked to me so many times... I started thinking about it more...

No, nothing is wrong with me. And I don't really feel the need to explain why I don't/haven't had a boyfriend, because ultimately, I love the way Heavenly Father is leading my life. I wouldn't change any of my experiences or choices and I have complete faith in his plan for me. I know I'll meet the right boy when it's supposed to happen. It won't have to feel rushed or forced. I think a lot of kids at BYU (who aren't married) get ready to leave or graduate and just panic. And try to force or rush something.... WHAT AM I GOING TO DO AWAY FROM THIS PLETHORA OF POTENTIAL FECS (future eternal companions).

Really though... the worst thing you can do is rush into a decision that is going to last for... oh, just the rest of eternity.

I mean, what if the person turns out to be a complete psycho.... well that sucks. You are married. Not only married but sealed. That isn't really something to take lightly. You can't just break up. 

Having a relationship is great... I mean, I'm not a pro. I haven't had a boyfriend for a little while... but I've dated quite a bit. And it's cool to find someone you just gets you. I'm not opposed to having a boyfriend or settling down. It just hasn't been right yet. And I'm not about to force it.

Being LDS, and going to BYU, in all honestly, there is a big pressure to get married. It isn't a bad thing, at all. But it's there, and it's really really hard for some people. Interesting to watch how people handle it/talk about it.

It's okay to talk about, complain about... whatever. Because let's be real, most students at BYU think about getting married and hopefully most people are dating... which ultimately leads to getting married.... but I just feel so sad for the people who get so worked up about it.

I've met way too many girls that are honestly just distraught. "WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?" "I'm never going to get married" "I'm not pretty enough, or funny enough, or smart enough"

and then there's the, "eveeeeryoone is married but me."

Okay, I'm guilty of having said that but when you think about it. Everyone isn't married. Sure, 50% of BYU's graduating class last year was married, but that means 50% wasn't.

Some of my friends even with boyfriends feel the pressure. They can't break up with them because... then what. Go on a mission? Leave BYU not married? What will I ever do with my life if this doesn't work out right now. I can't be alone... even though I know it isn't right. Even one guy that I talked to would talk about his girlfriend like.. "yeah, she keeps pressuring me to get married, I just don't really know. I'm not that excited about it." (they got married four months later) Freak. If my boyfriend said that about me....... I'd hope he'd break up with me. Be excited? Too much to ask?

The other thing that really gets me is hearing parents talk about it. I was listening to a conversation the other day about a mom talking about her two daughters. The older one was in DC and had started her career, and the younger daughter had recently got married. It went something like: "Yes! We couldn't be happier for [younger daughter], her and her husband are doing great and are absolutely the cutest." "And [older daughter] is doing great. She's so smart. She's got a lot going for her. We are really hoping and praying that she just finds someone.... I don't know what is wrong."

What the heck? It's funny since I'm an accounting major, so I know a couple of really awesome girls that have graduated and are moving to start their careers. Almost all of them are not opposed to settling down, but are a little intimidated to leave Provo not married.

It's kind of sad that when girls graduate and start careers, and aren't married, a lot of LDS people think what a shame... or that they are some big career power seeking woman and that they shouldn't be doing that. Really? They are doing such cool things. They just haven't found the right guy, cut them some slack.

In the end, I don't really know what the point was to this post... I mostly just rambled. But let me sum up what I was trying to say.

1.  It's okay to be single. It's okay if it takes a little bit longer to find that special someone. Have a little bit of faith in Heavenly Father's plan for you. My favorite scripture, (which has been my favorite since my sophomore year of high school) Proverbs 3:5-6, just gets me every time. To sum it up: Trust in the Lord, and he's got your back. He will direct your path. He has a plan for everyone.

2. Do not try to force something. This is a pretty big decision. Be smart about it.

3. Never ever settle. Find someone that makes you better. That challenges you. That makes you excited about life. But at the same time, don't be too picky either... The grass isn't always greener on the other side.

most of all....

4. Please girls (and guys I guess), don't ever feel like you aren't good enough. Nothing is wrong with you. Just because someone else is on another path doesn't mean that your path isn't right for you. Everyone's plan is different. Your time will come. If you want a relationship, or to get married. Go out. Meet people. Try to find it. If you're doing your part, Heavenly Father will do his. (easier said than done right :))

Good luck to every one out there looking for that special someone. Love is a battlefield. Go on and fight your little hearts out.


PS. School starts in two weeks? What? Crazy how time flies. Crazy that I'm a senior in college. I can't wait to see what this year has in store.


  1. As a 21, single, LDS, BYU student...these are my thoughts exactly. Thanks for posting! Provo is a strange, strange place when it comes to dating.

    Cheers to our senior year & possibly but not certainly finding a FEC before we graduate :)

  2. this is so great. i totally get you....i am 22 i have been dating someone for almost 2 years and we are so happy. we both graduated BYU and are off to start exciting careers, maybe even in different places. people bother us ALL the time about getting married....my married friends that got married at ages 19 and 20 loves to give us advice and tell us how great being married is. well guess what, we are so happy and our lives are also so great. the pressure you get is ridiculous, but i know that i am young, happy, and have so much life to live! when the time is right, we will know. but i am totally with you, i see so many young people rush into decisions and i feel so bad for them. this is a major decision that lasts eternity, so what if you don't get married before you are 21? think of how much you are going to change over the next few years!!!

  3. I loved your post! It's hard for me to relate because I was one of those crazy girls married at 18. But I completely agree that you CANNOT settle. It is crucial to find the right one. I have had several friends from high school (I'm 25 so not that old -- just go with me here) who married men or women who had some really scary skeletons in their closets and now, they're divorced. I don't judge them for their decisions or anything, but I know how much pain they're in and I know they would never have married the person in the first place if they had known. So if this kind of tragedy can be avoided, let's avoid it, for Pete's sake!

    I recently wrote a post about being young and married. I felt like such a weirdo being married so young, but I knew my man was the right one. Just like you shouldn't settle because of others' expectations, you shouldn't put off marriage because it isn't socially acceptable.

    Point is, we have to quit living others' lives for them and trust they're doing their personal best. Everyone has a different path to take. If we were all on the same one, life would be entirely boring. Plus, you're still SO young. Twenty-one is a baby. People are crazy to be acting like you're some spinster or something. Geez Louise! I'm glad you see how not crazy you are. Enjoy life and keep being awesome!

    P.S. -- maybe you're not married because of your sexy leggings. Haha, just had to throw that in!

  4. Good work. I'm 25, Mormon, and male and I feel similar pressure. Actually, just kidding. Now everyone has forgotten about me and started asking my 19-year-old sister about all the guys she dates. At least that's a relief.

  5. Well thought out! You have the right principles.

    You may recall that a long time ago we had the choice of two paths: in the first we were to be sent to a place far from our family where we would have to make eternally significant choices with only our agency, intelligence and a few friends to help -- we would make our own path; in the second we were to be sent to a place far from our family where we would have the choices made for us - we would all follow the same no-risk path.

    Whether that far away place is BYU or Earth, the principle is the same: do we want to use our agency and take risks, or do we want to be forced onto the same 'guaranteed results' path?

    With agency comes risk. You understand that I think. I pray you have the strength to commit to the right choice, for the second time.

  6. I read every word! I couldn't agree more. I wonder what your thoughts are on stay at home moms because you have started off an amazing path towards your career. I actually envy you. When I graduated high school i had my whole college career planned out. I was gonna graduate have an awesome job, then settle down and get married when i was like 30. Then look what happened. I met kyle my first day of college. And I'm not saying i still can't do those things but when you're in a serious relationship you can't make decisions for yourself anymore. You have to take a whole other person into considerationg. Kyle and I have made a lot of sacrifices for each other but i don't regret any of it and we are willing to make sacrifices for the rest of our lives. Anyways, there's a different plan for everyone even if its not what you have in mind.

  7. I freaking love this Brittany haha I'm 24 single and will most likely graduate from BYU not married and for some reason now this past month everyone (family, friends, acquaintances) is freaking out about me being single as if it's a sin that I haven't had a girlfriend since high school, but Heavenly Father has a plan for all of us and all of us have different plans.

  8. Nicely done Britt, I think I know why you're ranting lol.
    This is an interesting piece for someone not affiliated with BYU, yet when I look at other mormon's from our mutual friends, I definitely see what you're talking about! A good amount is definitely that social influence, and you're on the ball with your parent reference. Of course, I haven't heard parent's talk about that, but it definitely adds to the pressure of finding a partner. I've talked to you briefly on and off about mormonism, along with a few other folks, so I understand the importance of the commitment in marriage. I would hope that for those who choose to settle, that they spend time reflecting on the strengths of their relationship and work together towards building something even stronger whenever things seem to not work out.

    Is there a dating network that is "mormon-friendly?" Although there are dating websites out there, it's obvious that a mormon dating site will already help find people with a common interest, religion. But overall, I hope that you can pass on your advice to those who are struggling. I know reading the piece is definitely motivating and I imagine it will ease tensions that some girls/guys might face with that social pressure in marriage.

    Anyways, I hope to hear from you soon. I'll probably give it 1 more shot to see if I can catch up with you while you're in town. If not, this might be the 4th or 5th consecutive semester that I haven't seen you in person.


  9. I know this is an old entry but i just came across this while doing some research. I am not Mormon but my friend just returned from his mission two months ago and is already getting married this July. To someone who has cheated on him three times prior. I understand this was pressed on him and I just don't understand it. He will be attending BYU next fall, why rush into marriage when he could meet someone that could better fulfill his spiritual needs later down the line?

  10. If your man is pushing you away and acting distant

    Or if the guy you’re after isn’t giving you the time of day...

    Then it’s time to pull out all the stops.

    Because 99% of the time, there is only 1 thing you can say to a standoffish guy that will grab him by the heartstrings-

    And get his blood pumping at just the thought of you.

    Insert subject line here and link it to: <=========> Your ex won’t be able to resist?

    Once you say this to him, or even send this simple phrase in a text message...

    It will flip his world upside down and you will suddenly find him chasing you-

    And even begging to be with you.

    Here’s what I’m talking about: <=========> Is your man hiding something? He may need your help?

    Thanks again.